Are you care-giving or care-taking?
Identifying your role in addicted relationships.
When recovering from addiction, yours or a loved one’s, it’s important to identify roles. Addiction, like cancer, needs a certain environment to thrive in. Whether it’s genetic, environmental or both, this disease affects all, in its path. But no one is more affected, than the addicted person’s, family.
Long before this illness is identified, roles are played out. In families with addiction, one major role is the care-taker. Care-taking is very different from care-giving. One role is healthy, the other, is not.
Care-giving is assisting another person who is ill, disabled, elderly, or needs help with daily activities. It is doing for them, what they can’t do, for themselves. An example of this would be bathing and feeding your baby, or providing medical care for a parent suffering with dementia.
Care-taking is doing for others what they can do for themselves. For example, cleaning your teenager’s room – to avoid an argument – when they are able to clean it themselves, or paying your adult child’s rent, because they lost their job, again.
One way to know the difference between care-taking and care-giving, is paying attention to the way you feel.
Care-giving feels right and loving. It doesn’t leave you second guessing your decisions or feeling anxious about them. It’s an act of free will. Care-givers maintain healthy boundaries, and look after themselves. They trust in others abilities, too. A care-giver welcomes help and is open to new ideas and suggestions. They are part of a team made up of professionals, friends and family. Care-givers speak in first person using “I” statements. Example: I need help.
Care-taking is exhausting and feels stressful. A care-taker will second guess their decisions, and feel resentful about them. They don’t trust in others, abilities. Care-takers believe they know what is best for their addicted loved one and tend to ignore the suggestions of professionals, friends and family. Care-takers often speak in second person, using “you” statements. Example: You said you would help me.
Care-taking leads to unhealthy codependent, relationships. Codependency happens when you feel responsible for another person’s emotions, behaviors and/or choices.
A codependent and an addict, fit together like a lock and key.
The codependent feels good, when the addict does. If the addict is having a good day, then they are too. But if the addict is having a bad day, the codependent feels anxious and guilty. They will overstep their boundaries and do everything in their power to accommodate the addict’s wishes.
This is the key.
An addict needs the codependent to look after them. The addict’s full time job is trying to get and stay, high. The codependent is crucial to the addict. Without their help, the addict would be forced to face the consequences of their actions. A codependent relationship frees the addict up, to focus solely on their addiction while continuing to use.
This is the lock.
The codependent is the ‘go to’ person in the family – the addict seeks help from. This family member is often Mom, but can be Dad, or a spouse. They are easily manipulated because they suffer from denial. The codependent (falsely) believes they understand the addict better than the rest of the family. They will protect the addict by keeping their secrets. They make excuses for the addict and violate their moral ethics to stay in the relationship. Codependents believe they can make the addicted person well. But in truth, they cannot.
The codependent and addict have a love-hate, relationship.
Both parties will look to each other, to solve their problems. They may isolate from the rest of the family. Both are acting out in sick ugly behaviors. The care-taker over functions, allowing the addicted individual to under-function. This dynamic creates a crippling, dysfunctional relationship. It keeps the codependent in the role of the martyr and the addicted adult, in the role of dependent child.
If not intervened upon, the addict and codependent will progress to the terminal stage.
The addict crosses into the terminal stage when they stop caring. They become apathetic and no longer try to get clean and/or sober. The codependent crosses the line when healthy concern, turns to mental-obsession. Their relationship with the addict, consumes them.
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If you love someone struggling with addiction, the most helpful thing you can do for THEM, is get to support, for YOU.
One on one, addiction wins every time.
To move beyond addiction, you must break free of this deadly relationship. You will need to step outside of your family system, for help. Recovery lives in the open. No more secrets or isolation. Reach out and involve others. Be committed and transparent. Be willing to do whatever it takes. Focus all your attention on you, and the changes you need to make.
Although you can’t make the addict well, you can greatly influence their chances.
Take your power back. No one else is responsible for your well-being. Your happiness rests solely on your shoulders. Don’t spend your whole life waiting for someone else to change. Be the change. Things will have a better chance of falling into place, once you do.
If you or someone you know needs help, please call our confidential support line for assistance.